I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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