were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize