I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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