I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
