As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
