Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
