I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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