for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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