Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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