when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
