Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
