Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
