So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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