Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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