UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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