i think i recognize dicks better than faces
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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