I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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