Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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