she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
