90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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