I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
