you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
