fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
