I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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