there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize