mondays should just be called national damage control day
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
