i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize