Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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