I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
