god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
