Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
