The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
