Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Operation Purity has been aborted
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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