My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
