he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize