my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
