I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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