My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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