You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
