It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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