the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
