I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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