dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
farters have to be the big spoon...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
