she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
