this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My balls are so social today.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
