She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
MIDGETS
????
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
