if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just pynch a tree in the face
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
