Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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