gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
