I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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