for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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