Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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