Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize