guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
