I think I can smell my own vagina right now
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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