Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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