He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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