upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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