We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
