At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
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