I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize