Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
