I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
