I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
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