i will never coherently bang her
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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