It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
