Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
