I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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