haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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