i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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